Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Friday, February 17, 2012
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Someone cue Art Linkletter!
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life -- Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money -- Age 13
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen, Of course, we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends -- Age 8
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote -- Age 10
Home is where the house is. --Age 6
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember its because he sucks-- Age 15
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out -- Age 6
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him -- age 10
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. -- Age 15
When I go to heaven I want to see my grandfather again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell -- Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower -- Age 11
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died -- Age 13
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor -- Age 14
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up -- Age 7
Often, when I'm reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number -- Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there -- Age 5
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with -- Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think its about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15
Once, I wept for I had no shoes, then I came upon a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes. I mean. it's not like he needed them, right? -- Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, just imagine how serene it would be until the looting started -- Age 15
from http://www.misscellania.com/
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money -- Age 13
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen, Of course, we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends -- Age 8
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote -- Age 10
Home is where the house is. --Age 6
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember its because he sucks-- Age 15
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out -- Age 6
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him -- age 10
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. -- Age 15
When I go to heaven I want to see my grandfather again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell -- Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower -- Age 11
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died -- Age 13
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor -- Age 14
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up -- Age 7
Often, when I'm reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number -- Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there -- Age 5
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with -- Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think its about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15
Once, I wept for I had no shoes, then I came upon a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes. I mean. it's not like he needed them, right? -- Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, just imagine how serene it would be until the looting started -- Age 15
from http://www.misscellania.com/
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Iowahawk does "It's a wonderful bill!"
Iowahawk is one of the funniest guys on the net and always a pleasure to read. This one is no exception.
Read the rest at the link above...
Scene 14: Christmas Eve, inside Bedford Falls Town Hall. Senator George Bailey confronts an angry mob of constituents protesting his vote on the new health care bill.
MAN #1
Come on Bailey, you can't hide forever! Let us in!
WOMAN #1
Yeah, what is this mandatory insurance nonsense? Stop cowering behind that podium George! We want answers!
crowd erupts into shouting
GEORGE BAILEY
Now now now, everybody calm down, see? If you'll, well, see, just let me explain...
MAN #2
You should've explained these death panels before we elected you! Let's get 'em!
WOMAN #2 (shaking pitchfork)
Yeah!
MAN #3
Hey, pipe down youse mugs, let the man talk. It'll be 15 minutes before the tar is hot enough to pour. Out with it Bailey!
GEORGE BAILEY
Well well, thank you for that Pete. Now folks, see, you just gotta understand how Washington works. Remember how you, you sent me there to bring back free things to Bedford Falls, like free heath care and jobs and that new George S. Bailey retractable midnight basketball court for the high school gym?
MAN #4
Hey Bailey, do know how many kids drowned at the prom last year from that stupid thing?
GEORGE BAILEY
Well, now now now, Clem, sure a few kids drowned. But look at all the jobs it created down at the Potter Retractable Basketball Floor factory. And that's my point. Now, see, down in Washington there's a whole Senate full of regular guys like you and you, and me, and we represent thousands of places just like Bedford Falls. And all of those places want their own jobs and healthcare and retractable basketball courts. And it turns out all of this costs money, so we have to get, well, revenues...
WOMAN #3
You mean taxes?
GEORGE BAILEY
Well, yeah, Helen, if that's how you want to put it. See, we put all those revenues in a, a, a, big pile there in Washington, and then we start making deals and such, to make sure we can all bring some home. Sometimes we run out, and have to make up for it with other fees...
MAN #2
You mean taxes? Why don't you get it from Old Man Potter?
WOMAN #2
Yeah! Get it from Potter!
GEORGE BAILEY
Now, now, I hate old man Potter just as much as the rest of you. Maybe more. He lives in that cold old mansion up there on Beacon Hill, while you're getting laid off and trying to make ends meet. It just isn't right, and that's why I organized the big ACORN march against him last year. But I'm telling you, even if we confiscated every penny he has, we couldn't pay for your free universal health care. That's why we have to charge you for some of it, and make sure you don't use too much. But don't worry, I sent my top trade representative Uncle Billy over to China to get a payday loan for the rest.
WOMAN #5
But won't we have to pay them back?
GEORGE BAILEY
Well, Marge, yeah, technically, but only until you're all dead. After that it'll just be your kids.
MAN #4
Stop your malarkey, Bailey! Keep your ridiculous health care bill. We want our money back!
CROWD
Yeah! Give it back!
GEORGE BAILEY
Now now now, Clem, let's take it easy there. Sure it's your money. And yours, Violet. And yours too, Reverend Larson. It's everybody's money, and belongs to everybody. Especially me because I'm a Senator. We need that money to make the deals to make the legislation to make sure you get the things you want. Now if you'll all be patient, I'm sure that Uncle Billy will be getting back from Peking any time now...
MAN #1
I've heard enough of this! Let's get 'em!
CROWD
Yeah!
MAN #2
Tar's ready!
GEORGE BAILEY
Gulp!
George runs flailing through the snowy streets of Bedford Falls, the torch-weilding mob in hot pursuit
Read the rest at the link above...
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
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